My Review of Star Wars – Episode IX: The New Order Rises

Ladies and over-privileged knob swingers, I am back from 2019 and have the first ever review –based on the 58th review posted on RottenTomatoes, on May 20th, 2019- for Star Wars – Episode IX: The New Order Rises. Now, before you freak out and point out the paradox I am creating by writing a review that hasn’t been written yet, there is nothing to worry about because it is based on a review I wrote –will write- in 2019. It’s not exactly the same review because I was pretty drunk writing it –or I will be pretty drunk while writing it- so it’s essentially an homage to that review, one I will be drunk out of my mind when writing on May 19th, 2019.

Though, before I write the homage to that review I should perhaps be concerned that by writing an homage and revealing the title of the movie, and plot lines, I will influence the making of Episode IX enough that it won’t be made the way it was when I wrote –write- the review. Hell, they could even change the name of the movie if this review is read by many people and passed around until it becomes viral. It is also possible they won’t do any of the things I mention in this review upon reading what I have to say about them.

I should also note the review spoils elements of Episode VIII since, as of the writing of this homage to the review I write in 2 years, “The Last Jedi” has not been released. Hell, we haven’t even seen a full trailer. So, be warned, not only will this review of TNOR spoil major plot points in it, but also plot points in TLJ. Granted, the same problem could be created where the mention of plot points in TLJ could cause a butterfly effect of changes that could invalidate the review and the timeline from which I came, meaning I never get to write it which means I can’t possibly be writing an homage to a review I never write making this the only version of the review and therefor the original.

That’s kind of frightening.

What if by writing an homage to a review I will write in 2-years I cause something to happen that doesn’t allow me to write any review in 2-years? But wait, how is that possible? If I write a review in 2-years, then I will always write the review in 2-years no matter what I say or do now, right? That’s how time works. It is like a vinyl record and this time, or any time, in which our consciousness is aware, is the needle being dropped on the record. We’re just playing a moment in time long, long gone. Or far, far away. Time is an illusion created by gravity. Nothing we do will change whatever was done. All this has happened before and will happen again, and again, and again, and again… UNLESS my “time travel” trip was instead an alternate universe trip where the year was 2019 and many of the same things that will happen to our universe were happening there except with some variations.

I’m not entirely sure whether it was time travel or alternate universe travel so I will write carefully…

And so, my homage to my review for Star Wars – Episode IX: The New Order Rises.

Following the defeat of the Resistance by the General Hux; Luke, Rey, and Ben Solo join forces to stop the First Order before it can wipe out the remaining Republic systems willing to fight. Episode IX focuses a large portion of the story on the perspective of the Force users, only cutting back to Finn’s storyline a handful of times –Finn spends most of the first two acts mourning the deaths of Poe and Rose. We see Snoke planning and rallying his troops for a major battle. Much like “Return of the Jedi,” Episode IX sets up a major clash between the big bad war machine and the smaller more tenacious insurgents. We also meet a new villain to whom Snoke gives a special task. Snoke is in a sort of panic over the loss of his apprentice to the light and openly fearful of what is to come. He has built up this grand new order but is keenly aware it can quickly come crashing down as three powerful light-side Force users close in on him. As the movie drives toward a show-down between the light and dark side of the Force, a shocking twist changes the outcome and probably the future of Star Wars as we’ve known it.

The performances are all terrific and the surviving characters from VII and VIII are still as likable as ever, even with the darker circumstances. BB-8 is still adorable and even Artoo, Threepio, and Chewbacca get to shine (Chewbacca’s terrific scene with a familiar face is an instant classic).

What did I think of the movie? Well, following Rian Johnson’s weird, dark, sad, cute, and funny “The Last Jedi,” this movie was surprisingly darker and had fewer instances of humor. If you thought “Revenge of the Sith” was a good way to end a trilogy, then you’ll love this movie.

86 out of 101

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