Our sources have been feverishly digging through the trash over at Lucasfilm in San Francisco, desperately trying to find answers to all of your pressing questions because that’s the kind of thing we will do around here to bring you the trashiest information imaginable. Thankfully, one of our garbage people (see how I said PEOPLE and not MEN, hint hint they were women because, yes, women can dig through garbage too you sexist pig –I bet the first image that went through your mind was a bunch of dudes digging through garbage because women are just objects you pretend to care about while you plan to use and discard them, admit it! I’m looking at you, right there, the guy rolling his eyes thinking he’s all superior while you fap to people’s use of words like “actress” and “police woman”; why do we need to define the gender of the goddamn job? Do we say “hey, I got a male doctor” or do we add some kind of male sounding tag to the end of professions in order to define it as specific to only men? OR ARE YOU SAYING the existence of a profession means it is automatically male and we have to create new versions of professions every time a woman is afforded her basic human right to do exactly what you have been allowed to do for the totality of human existence? Basically ANYTHING, you piece of shit!) found a call-sheet for a movie called THE AMAZING PANDA BEAR and we’re pretty confident that’s just a code name for “The Last Jedi” so we rifled through handful of pages and discovered a major scoop.
“Bouncy Bear,” if you believe that is the name of a character in a movie about panda bears, because that’s ridiculous, will have a “favorite banana” (hint: lightsaber) and “peel it” (hint: wield it) to “eat for breakfast” (hint: fight Snoke’s elite guards) and the color of the lightsaber is… well, it doesn’t say but we imagine it’s a color we’ve seen before. Or he doesn’t use one. In reality, why would he need to if he’s the most powerful Jedi ever? Because you’d feel cheated? Because you’d be like “But I waited 30+ years for this and he doesn’t even use a lightsaber?!” Right. Because what we really need is Star Wars to be nothing but fan service of cool moments. You know, like those ridiculous Fast & Furious movies. Hey, it’s about family… in that they say “family” 9000 times while screwing each other left and right. So, basically, Fast & Furious is about incest. Just like “Empire Strikes Back.”